i don't want to be one of those people who writes about his or her own life as if it's so amazingly interesting that the entire world should know about it. there are plenty more important things to discuss than my own life. but right now what's bothering me is the simple phrase "i am." and in my own humble opinion, i think the back-and-forth that's been going on in my head the last few days is at least mildly interesting.
as i get older, i call into question the very meaning of the phrase "i am." i know what i like, i know what i dislike. i know how i react to my environment (in general), and i can summarize my past in an effort to explain these reactions. i know what i value, and i know the kinds of people i like to spend my time with. but what does any of this say about who "i am"? what do all of these tidbits of information tell others about my essence? this is what really troubles me. because i know all of these things, but do others experience the same knowledge? i hope that my interactions with others would accurately convey relevant information about me, but recent experiences have indicated otherwise. and while generalizations should not be made based on one or two data points in a series, it still seems important to figure out where the error occurred in the transmission of information about who "i am."
if "i am" is something that i build, and put forth for the world to unravel (which i think it is), i have to present it in a way that is easily accessible and readily available to the people i want to interact with. that is not to say that any stranger should be able to meet me and know my entire life, but more importantly, any stranger i meet should be able to gather a good sense of my character after a short period of time. accordingly, as i spend more time with people, their own understanding of who "i am" should solidify. somehow this doesn't always happen. and i need to figure out how to make sure that it does, because the last thing i want is to carry on with my own life, thinking that "i am" a certain way, when everyone else sees me differently.
for now, i think the best way to start making this happen is by figuring out what i want (at least generally), and communicating my goals to the involved parties. from this it follows that i need to act in a way that shows i am pursuing my goals. it's just that the first part seems to be the hardest-- i need long term goals and short term goals. long term is easy, short term is hard. once i know what i want, i have no doubt in my ability to get there (by fair, honorable means. in other words, there will be no befriending followed by betrayal in the name of personal advancement. that's just not right.).
in summary, its time to grow a pair. it's time to stop wavering back and forth, analyzing a steady flow of information. it's really, truly, time to start making decisions and stop dropping the clutch just before changing gears.
